Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Ban Ki-moon: I've Screwed Things Up So Badly I Have To Revise My Report [This is a note sent this weekend by Ban Ki-moon to some friends]:
Howdy,In an attempt to break the stalemate, I drafted a report late on Friday last week, June 22 - and in a bold move to undermine international law - I called upon Morocco and the Polisario Front to settle their dispute by accepting autonomy of the Western Sahara. I had been toying with the idea for some time now, since Walsum came back from his last trip to see Abrams, in D.C. What was I thinking or......drinking?. My move raised eyebrows among some observers, particularly, the Algerians and South Africans. I mean, honestly, do these guys ever get distracted from events around this conflict? They often see more sinister motives behind my actions! I indicated in the report [ I tried to take it down ASAP from the website but some had already gotten to it ] to the Security Council that the parties failed in the most recent round of negotiations to agree on the definition of self- determination, which is considered the only way to settle their claim. Doesn't every one around here ALREADY agree on the definition of SELF-DETERMINATION? After all, this is the UN. Again, what was I thinking? Deep down, I think the word "self-determination" is overrated. The fact that the submission was unaccepted appears to be unprecedented in the annals of the UN Secretary-general's politics. None of my predecessors (Perez, Boutros, Annan...) has ever before screwed things up so badly. I mean, not even the former Wehrmacht intelligence officer (Waldheim), has drifted this far. I apologise, I shouldn't have trusted Walsum and this other guy who keeps calling me from Spain. They're making me look bad. But remember, I'm new to the job and as you can tell, I'm not yet well versed in english. I get confused with "autonomy" and "self-determination". But, worst of all, in my report, I urged those dudes from Polisario to accept autonomy and drop the call for independence for the territory. It was too much. I was suddenly besieged by infuriated people. That's when I really knew I had screwed things up. It really shook me, worst than the Baghdad mortar attack, seriously. You see, I am a man of integrity and the Moroccans had told me that the move was a "win-win" for everyone, bastards. They knew what I was doing and they all kept quiet, resisting the temptation to announce it for the whole week, except "AL Bayane". I mean, even the MAP kept silent and that's something to say. But the Polisario, this time departed from their usual hopeful rhetoric and got very, very upset. But still, they held in their anger and worked behind the scenes. They almost never get this angry, no matter what you do to them, and the UN has screwed them countless times. Anyways, I also suggested that a second round of talks is scheduled to begin on August 10 under the mediation of the - now weird to me - Ambassador Peter van Walsum. I've asked that the contents of the discussion in mid-June not be made public, so I told the parties attending the talks to keep their mouths shut. See if next time - in my non-public report to the security council - I can give it another shot ! I'm not a quitter, I will keep plugging away at it and hope the Polisaurus representatives will understand. As for the controversial report, several of its key details still need to be worked out and crop out others. So, I will rewrite the final version to be released [maybe] next week. Have a great weekend and RELAX !!! P.S: I've asked my secretary not to take any more calls from Moratinos. Ban-jusa To be continued ...

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